If this is Friday, then this is where I'm supposed to be. I knew I would be getting a little nuts trying to keep up two blogs. Heck,I'm a little nuts trying to keep up. Anyway another blog that I follow introduced me to something unusual it's called a Blog Hop. I could try to explain it, but since I'm a little dazed an confused at my best,I'm sure I would make a mess of it. instead go to my friend Donna K.Weaver's blog and get the details. find her at: www.weavingataleortwo.blogspot.com


The point of this BLOG HOP is to list three blogs that you follow and enjoy.  


The first is Donna's. I met her on Twitter. She's funny, interesting and once a month hosts a "grammar blog", yeah I need that. Check her out at the link above.


Second up is www.justbreathethenovel.com by Kendall Grey. I enjoy Kendall because she is HONEST. Sometimes a little profane so be warned,but for her that's a part of her honesty. I think I found her through Twitter also.


Both Donnal and Kendall are writers,so I can relate and get some good advice.


Third is www.elizabethmayphoto.blogspot.com by Elizabeth May. This is where I go to relax and find inspiration. One of the things I do when I write is to try to visualize things, especially my characters. Other writers say to cast you book,like a movie. Sometimes that's hard for me. On Elizabeth's site it's easy, she has some models that work great for the characters in my head. Her scenery is beautiful and relaxing. Enjoy.


That's it for today. Check out these blogs and check out the entire Blog Hop list on Donna's site. Sorry, I couldn't get it to work here. But you know me "thinking is optional" and today is no different.

It's Wednesday, I'm back. Let's hope.

I spent yesterday on the fringes of lunacy. Why do I let myself go there? I could make all kinds of excuses,but truth be told sometimes I like it. I feel like I need to apologize to everyone I came in contact with yesterday.

First, my daughter. She called and sounded awful. She and her youngest are sick, really sick. I just got mad. I get mad that she doesn't take care of herself they way she should. I get mad that she has to work so much and so hard. I get mad that we don't live closer together so I can help her out and take the kids when she's sick. I'm really mad because I feel bad for her, but I'm sure she feels that I'm mad at her. I'm sorry, honey. I just want you to feel better. I want your life to be easier. I want you to be happy. I want your children to be healthy,happy, and safe.

Then Rick came home from work in his usual negative state. Things at work are crazy. Things at church are crazy. Last night he had a Presidency Mtg at church and I had an activity with the girls. We were out late the night before with the Missionaries. Neither of us was excited about going back and "herding cats". I deal with that type of thing by ranting and raving for a few minutes and get it out of my system. Rick deals with it with extreme negativity that can last for weeks. We're going on a couple of months now. Even my ranting and raving (I do more and more of it here, because he obviously does not need one more thing to deal with) isn't getting it and there I am at "the fringes of lunacy".

I did sit down and write the last chapter of a new book I want to write. Starting from the end and working backwards. If that's not the "fringes of lunacy" I'm not sure what is. What happened was I woke up with this idea in my head, maybe I dreamt it (I don't sleep well, so I never remember dreams, if I even have them),I wanted to get a few of the ideas down on paper in the form of notes so I didn't forget them. Instead, I sat down and wrote 2,000 words, a complete chapter. It seemed pretty good to me. When Rick read it, he told me he thought it could stand alone as a short story. That was an interesting concept to me. I'll have to think about it for a few days. I have so many more ideas for the rest of the story. From the start, I mean.

My activity with the girls last night was presented by the sister missionaries.I was disappointed at first,because they did not do what I asked. Instead they did a short presentation of exactly what I needed. I'm trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs,out of gangs, out of some guys bed, in school, prepared for college, prepared for a mission of their own, prepared for life. Ah, there they are "the fringes of lunacy".God does know my name. He loves me even when I'm only hanging on by my fingernails. Before we left the church the Branch President tells Rick and I that he had a dream about us the night before. This is the same guy who has been mad at us for three or four months now. He has refused to shake my hand and barely acknowledges Rick (Rick is his 1st Counsellor in the Branch Presidency). I asked him if I died in his dream,because that's supposed to mean something good. He just looked at me. He did go onto tell us some bizarre dream. Either he ate something crazy before he went to bed or somebody is trying to tell him something. I almost asked him what he was smoking, but here in El Caribe that would be a real insult.

My final act of over the edgeness was last night when some guy from Twitter started a conversation with me about a book idea. I let him have it with both barrels of my "Hey Buddy,live your dreams or die" routine. I'm sure he looked at my profile and figured; "Oh yeah,she lives in a place where the rum is always gone". I already sent that apology via Twitter.

OK, apologies done. I think I'm better. I sure can't get much worse. I still haven't balanced my checkbook,it's only been six months. That is today's goal. Rick and I made a personal commitment, we need to get off island for a few days. Our choices were to go to St Maarten to just play or the Dominican Republic where we can play and get a Spiritual recharge. We're going to the Dominican Republic. Santo Domingo in particular. I have the money for one plane ticket. I'm hoping the money for the second is in the checking account. We'll see your fingers crossed.

The fridge is back working. You will love this. Within some hour or another the repairman shows up. He has a very technical looking tool box with him which he places on my counter. He then proceeds to take everything out of my freezer and puts it in the sink. I go downstairs and drag the cooler upstairs. He tells me I don't need no stinkin' cooler, he will have it fixed in a few minutes. OK. Next he pulls a dining room chair up in front of the freezer and unscrews the back panel. Now, he opens this very technical looking toolbox (I am serious about it's appearance, this is not an exaggeration), he takes our a hairdryer, YES I said hairdryer and proceeds to unthaw the freezer. I'm at my computer cracking up. The long and short of it is the heater, YES I said heater for the fridge is shot, (who knew the fridge needed a heater) so it keeps freezing up and the cold air won't circulate and cool things down. He has to order the part from Puerto Rico should be here in four or five days. This little unthaw should last that long. Before he leaves he asks to us e the bathroom. He goes downstairs and comes up to tell me the toilet is broken. OH, Just Shoot Me. I am warned. He will be back in four or five days.

For today anyway; "Thinking is optional".

It's been a crazy weekend. Woke up yesterday with a monumental headache and fire in my upper chest. Felt like the beginning of bronchitis (haven't had that in about seven years). Went back to bed and started slugging the Kyani. We had gone to the beach on Saturday and after only about forty-five minutes int he water I started to shiver,not a good sign.Somewhere in the night I had cocooned myself in the sheet and could not stop shivering. Rick got our blanket and I wrapped up in that and fell back to sleep. Long story short, I'm sure I had a fever and my body was trying to work through this mess. Slept on and off all day Sunday, went to bed at nine thirty and woke up feeling pretty good this morning, little headache residue but, not too bad.

It's a good thing I feel better, because we're back in hunter/gatherer mode. Yep, the fridge is not working. Again. Property Manager is off island. Repairman is supposed to be here within the hour (never did say what hour,just within the). Food in freezer is thawing and stuff in fridge is warm. Gotta love it.

If your interested, I started a new blog. It should be interesting to see how I keep up with two blogs. You can find the new one at www.farawayeyes1.blogspot.com It is going to be where I post thing primarily about my books. That way I won't fill up my Journal with all of that stuff. Of course, really big news, like finding representation or a publisher will probably go in both places.

I have noticed that there are still a lot of hits on this blog, with absolutely no comments. I suppose some of my rants have offended you at one time or another. This is my Journal, I am not Politically Correct here. Heck, I'm not very Politically Correct anyplace. I don't believe in name calling or hurting someone's feelings but all of this crap about Political Correctness is turning us into a bunch of liars.

I read an AOL news article the other day where Johnny Depp had to apologize because he remarked about a photo shoot for a prominent magazine had him feeling like he was being raped. I understand that maybe someone thought that was disrespectful to a person who had been raped, making that kind of a comparison, but if that's what he felt, why should he have to apologize. I can think of more than one instance where I felt like I had no control over my own body, no dignity, no privacy. Where one consent led to numerous violations of my person. All this at a time when I was too sick and weak to fight back. (Try cancer treatment).

I'm sick of watching political candidates being attacked for their religion. We all want them to have religion, but must it only be our form of religion. We expect a separation of Church and State and then we constantly bring up "their" church. What is that about? Would I like you all to enjoy the same religion as I? You bet. Would I like you to do that in name and word only and not truly live it? No way. One of my favorite things is when I lose it over something and my humanness shows through; I tend to get the comment; "and she says she's a religious person." Yeah, well, I'm a human person first. I'm still working on the better part of me and I'm sure, I will be for along time.

Racism, the next big issue. Don't even get me started. It seems to me that we have got to stop looking at the color of peoples skin, the slant of their eyes, the length of their nose or the speech patterns they use to determine who we want to be our friends, let alone who we want to led us. Whether friendship or leadership shouldn't we look at qualifications, sincerity of heart and their ability to be honest.

Honesty, this is my final rant for today. I don't care who you are, or who you think you are; everybody lies. I try real hard to be honest. sometimes the best policy for me is silence or ignoring a question all together. But, every so often I'm caught with that 'deer in the headlights"look and I tell an untruth. There are a few places where I never lie. I can honestly say that, but then there are still some of those sticky situations. Here's the thing, are you really trying to be honest? Do you think our world leaders are? Do you think your friends and neighbors are? I do know some people that I can say I do believe they are trying and doing a pretty good job of it. But on the whole I have to say; "Everybody lies."

OK,I have probably offended everyone somewhere in there today.Sorry. Not for anything I said, but I am sorry if your feel offended.

My plan is to post here Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and post on the Far Away Series site on Tuesday and Thursday. I'll leave Saturday and Sunday up for grabs. Let's see how this works out.I do have a problem posting every day. I try not to post on the days when I'm feeling really negative. Can you imagine what that would be like? YIKES.

That's all,from a place where "thinking is always optional".

Had another one of those days yesterday when I did something that I didn't want to do and viola! There was a reason. I let myself be in the place I was supposed to be and I saw a miracle. Do you think that will be enough to keep me doing the things that I should even when I don't want to. I hope so. One might think; 'hey, how many times do you have to be hit over the head with a 2 x 4." Just once more. Maybe.

What keeps us from being absolutely everything we could be. Is it simply rebellion, stubbornness, pride (ouch) or something else. I have been here before,and I manage to slip back because of...well, because of all of the above. I want to be all that I can be. I am most assuredly not afraid to step out into the dark. Maybe it's the light that scares me. I'm not sure. I am grateful for the experience I had last night. I am grateful for the commitment I made. It is going to require a ton of faith and a lot of $$$. Somehow I know it will workout. I have got to stop being afraid of "some things" like $$$ or the lack thereof.

I'll tell you about that particular adventure in November. I promise.

On another note, I want to leave a little review of a book I finished at three AM this morning. "Night Circus" by Erin Morgenstern. It was WOW. It's a story about magic. Real Magic. The Magic within us all. It's pretty cerebral, no optional thinking, at times even a little hard to follow, but it you let it take you in and take you over it is an incredible experience. That's a good book to me-- An Experience. That's all I'm going to say other than READ IT.

I'm in the slash and burn phase of rewriting Book I. It is painful, but I can see that it is getting better. I hate reworking things. I hate that I'm becoming a perfectionist. I want my story out there. You know in the end all we really have is our stories. Make them good ones.

OK. The End. That is way more thinking than I need for a Friday morning. Back to a place where:

Thinking is Optional.

They say (ever wonder who "they" are. Yeah, well,that's another post entirely) that when you are down and feeling really bad the best thing is to be in service to someone else. I so hate it when"they" are right. But, "they" generally are.

Yesterday, I went out with the young sister Missionaries to visit people from the Branch on the Island. This had been planned long before my early morning meltdown of yesterday and even after melting down I went through with it. I'm glad I did. We didn't get to see as many people as I had hoped, but the visits we had were very good. Those of you who know me well,know that I'm not your all around do-gooder. More like I'm generally lazy,selfish and definitely opinionated. Well yesterday was not a do good mission for anyone but me. I hope the people that we visited and the Sister Missionaries were as encouraged as I.

I remain in awe of these young people who give two years of their lives to be in service to first the Savior and second the rest of the world. They are just kids. For the most part they have blinders on. Blinders to the negative side of people, they can find some good in everybody. They are positive in the face of extreme adversity. They are absolutely fearless. Most people wonder how they do it. I know their secret. They strive every minute of every day to have the Spirit with them. This Spirit or Holy Ghost if you will allows them to live on a different plane than the rest of us. One where service to their fellowmen is all that matters. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all did that for maybe ten percent of the time.

Spending time with them,literally,makes you want to be a better person. Now these missionaries do have the opportunity to have an exceptional life for the two years they serve. They don't have jobs they go to every day. They don't date or worry about relationships of that nature. They immerse themselves in the work. They are supported by the savings accounts they and their parents accrued over the years planning for this two years of love,peace and service. Do you not suppose that they come off this experience people better able to enter into personal relationships that will not only last a lifetime but through all eternity. Do you not suppose that they will make the future employees, entrepreneurs, world leaders, etc., that you want working for you. Do you not suppose that they will be better neighbors and friends to all of their acquaintances. Of course,their human, and if you look close enough you can find the flaws,but do you want to? Do you need to break the spell? Why no just accept that God has sent his angels to be among you for a little bit to help make you better from whatever it is you ail.

Life is meant to bean adventure. Step outside your comfort zone and into the wonder of it all.

Think about that for awhile.

Today let thinking be a little more than optional.

Last night we finally finished watching "The Beaver". I rented it because it was recommended. At first it looks like a really goofy movie,made directed by, acted in, etc, by two really goofy people (at least in my opinion). Jodie Foster and Mel Gibson. The farther you get into the movie, (it took me three attempts, and today I'm wondering why I persisted) it breaks your heart, watching these people deal with depression.

There were no answers. The guy in the movie literally cuts his depression from his life. He accepts the love and help of his family, who finally forgive him all the pain he caused for them. The message, maybe; "you're not alone."

Here's my question. How do you deal with the depression of someone who you love, when they use it to beat you to a bloody pulp. I go along and think that I've just locked that compartment of my life away and then it sneaks up on me and my heart breaks all over again. I get on with my life and think I have literally cut that malignancy out of it, but it keeps growing back.

I admit I do not understand depression. When I was going through treatment for cancer, my doctor told me I was depressed because I would cry at inappropriate times for seemingly no reason. Are you kidding me? NO REASON. Cancer treatment is torture.You go each day and wonder why, because you're pretty sure you're going to die anyway (in fact we all are going to die anyway, but at that time you figure your death is eminent).

For the first time ever, I comtemplated suicide. I would drive home from radiation and look to the mountains in the west and wonder how long it would take me to drive as high as I could and then walk even higher. It would be so easy to sit down under a tree and when the sun went down and it got colder and colder,just go to sleep. Hypothermia, a cowards way out.

Guess you figured by now, I didn't do it. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and letting them torture my body to within an inch of death. Just enough to kill the cancer and not me. I wanted one more day, I wanted to experience everything I could in that day and then the next one and then the next one. It's eleven years to the month of when I finished treatment.It took years to feel human again. Normal is something that will never come.

Anyway, during that time, I had a small relationship with antidepressants. I say small because we never fell in love. I could not stand feeling nothing. Even pain is better than the nothingness.

I "cowboyed up", took it and got through.

I have a hard time understand depression, when there doesn't seem to be a reason. I accept it. I know it happens to people. I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with the hole in my heart drilled by someone else's depression.Who has a pill for that?

I probably shouldn't post this, but I'm gonna. Maybe it will help me deal with all of this for another two years before I break down again. The problem this morning has been way too much thinking and sad songs.

"Thinking must be optional."

Interesting week for me. Wish I had something really interesting to post. Make that something clever to post. I like being clever, probably because it's a rarity for me.

I could tell you Rick made me go grocery shopping yesterday. Oh, the horror of it all. I had four things in my cart at Plaza Extra when I realized here I am in Plaza on Saturday afternoon and it's the first of the month. Food Stamp Day. The place was a zoo. It took us about 45minutes to checkout and I was in the express lane. Next stop Cost U Less. Oh, Just Shoot Me. It turned out not to be so bad. Not very clever though.

Today was General Conference for our Church. As usual it was amazing. We went in the morning and sat with the other Saints and watched via satellite at the Chapel. The place with the Worlds most uncomfortable chairs. fortunately, Conference is so good that two hours in those devices of extreme torture was not as bad as it could be. The Branch holds a Pot Luck between Sessions and that makes it worthwhile sitting in the heat in the horrible chairs. The Cruzan sisters love to cook and the food is incredible. I'm still not sure what most of it is, but since I don't eat meat I'm not eating cat or anything like that (just kidding, they don't eat cat down here). We did come home for the afternoon Session, which we could watch on our computer.

This is the only time I get homesick. I'm not homesick for the States, but I get homesick for the Church as it can be. Guess maybe that's a part of the reason I'm here, to help it be what it can be. I'm such a slacker, it's really hard.

Working to improve my attitude. I have no doubt that "Attitude is Everything" and if you don't have a good one, you aren't going to get far. Sometimes, I think I secretly want to have a bad attitude, for just a little while. I probably should not have put that in writing.

Sent an email to my editor saying "Let's do it. I'm ready to make whatever changes you deem necessary" and I haven't heard back yet. It figures, I'm ready to go and now she is going to make me wait cause I drug my feet last week, thinking. See that's why I say;

Thinking is optional.